The Reel Thing: What to Expect When You're Expecting

By: Ray Cox, May 22, 2012

Courtesy LIONSGATE FILMS - Mom-dads unite in the film spoof of the classic parenting self-help book 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.'

Whoever billed What to Expect When You’re Expecting as a comedy should be run out of the business. It covers everything you ever wanted to know about having a baby and then some. Apparently, the “baby universe” is where “happiness goes to die,” at least according to the men who father these babies.

The first part of the movie is spent portraying the trials and tribulations involved in simply conceiving. All of which can be summed as such: I’m ovulating! Quick, drop your pants!

The paths of five couples on their way to parenthood criss-cross so they all go through similar events—morning sickness, sonograms, deciding on circumcision—at roughly the same time.

Boasting a number of big name actors (Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Banks, Dennis Quaid and Chris Rock), none of the star dust makes a difference in this dud of a film.

Tell me if this sounds familiar. Chris Rock talks way too much, while J-Lo overacts in every frame she is in. Quaid is an egomaniac with a hot 20-something younger wife. I suppose you could argue the director, Kirk Jones (who did great work with Nanny McPhee and Waking Ned Devine, is innovative in making Lopez a photographer at an aquarium so she can walk around in a bikini, but trust me, it’s been done before.

Cameron Diaz is a reality TV star hosting a show in which she turns the superfat into the supersvelte. Belly laughs never get so old so fast.

Picture five men marching abreast pushing strollers through the park complaining about their lot in life, and you pretty much grasp the whole concept.

Now envision men training to be fathers who have trouble holding a real baby for the first time. Please stop, my sides are splitting. Some studio chieftain must have thought this would be incredibly funny and put up $30 million or so to realize his dream.

This, unfortunately, is what passes for talent in Hollywood.

If you have children, then you will not find this nostalgic. If you have yet to experience such bliss, don’t mess with fate by watching the misery of these unfortunates.