Ask Dr. Sex Edna: Communication is Key... In Bed

She isn't really a doctor. She is graduate student in public health who loves to give people sex advice. Whether one-on-one or in the classroom, Dr. Sex Edna has talked to teenagers, kids, parents, grandparents (maybe yours), teachers, nuns and priests about everything from condoms to shrimping. If she hasn't done it herself, she's heard of it, and will work diligently to answer all your burning questions.

Ask Dr. Sex Edna - She isn't really a doctor. She is graduate student in public health who loves to give people sex advice. Whether one-on-one or in the classroom, Dr. Sex Edna has talked to teenagers, kids, parents, grandparents (maybe yours), teachers, nuns and priests about everything from condoms to shrimping. If she hasn't done it herself, she's heard of it, and will work diligently to answer all your burning questions.

Dear Edna,

When it comes to getting down, my boyfriend really aims to please... himself. How to I get him to be more attuned to my needs and be less selfish in bed?

-Hopelessly Frustrated

 

Dear Frustrated,

To throw in a somewhat obscure Outside Providence reference, “Sex is like Chinese dinner: it ain’t over ‘til you both get your cookies.” 

With that being said, there are a few things you need to keep in mind in a physical relationship with a person. Just like any other kind of relationship you’d be in, you need to know what you like, keep communication open, and have a desire to learn. Surprise, surprise.

Let’s start with you, because you can’t really fix anything in an interpersonal relationship unless you have a good understanding of what you want yourself.  You mentioned wanting your boyfriend to be more attuned to your needs, so what are your needs? 

Do yourself a favor

Some people say they don’t really know what they want in bed, but when pressed to explain, they really want a good hard shtooping or something along the lines of that.  So once you know what it is you would like to happen (and it seems to me you do), on to the next step: communication.

Does your boyfriend know he’s leaving you with fewer orgasms than a nunnery?  If not, talk to him and let him know.  If you’re doing the “wow baby, that was great,” then rolling over and finishing yourself off when he passes out, you’re not doing anyone a favor. 

Guys want to know that they’re doing you well—because, let’s face it—even if you don’t have a big mouth, one of the friends you confide to might, and no guy likes to be known as He-Who-Cannot-Please-Her. Even if it’s a blow to his ego, once he knows what he is doing wrong, he can start to make amends in the satisfaction department.

Thusly, you should see improvement because a good partner aims to please.

Have your cookie and eat it too

If, after making these confidences and suggestions, you are still as unexcited as a monkey watching himself pee, your boyfriend might be one of two things: really embarrassed, or not the person you are looking for. 

It can be really embarrassing and daunting to be called out on being less than outstanding in bed (this goes for men and women).  Sometimes a partner will step up and try to improve, or clam up and not try at all.  When this happens, again, communication is key.  Let him know you don’t care about him any less, but it is something that you can work on together.  But if partner is insistent on getting his done then asking for a sandwich you may want to reconsider the terms of your relationship.

I certainly hope this was helpful and hasn’t frustrated you further!  Good luck!

Sincerely,

Dr. Sex Edna

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