The 1% View: The Year of the Chaz

This is me, Chaz, dabbling in front of my yacht while at my compound in Chatham.

Don Parkinson - This is me, Chaz, dabbling in front of my yacht while at my compound in Chatham.

You’re probably all wondering where I’ve been the last two months. At present I’m in the midst of a major lawsuit with the Chinese government, which decided – unbeknownst to the Wellington brain trust – to declare 2012 the Year of the Dragon.

Unfortunately for those commies, on January 1, 2011 I filed a patent that states in no uncertain terms that 2012 is THE YEAR OF THE CHAZ.

That’s the law. Even my lawyer, Bruce Buckford* agreed the law is the law.

What does this mean? Well, loosely speaking, that this year belongs to me. Anything good that occurs I will take credit for and anything bad that occurs I’ll blame on French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

Research has shown that the world’s problems stem from the pompous French and their laissez-faire attitude. Plus, they never take showers. And the women have hairy armpits. Animals!

I’ve always said if you brought the Eiffel Tower to the United States it would be 10,000 feet taller and there would be a roller coaster on top, demonstrating the difference between mediocrity and greatness.

A rough start to a good year

Back to the Chinese: by the end of this year The Chaz will behead the dragon and cripple the yuan, proving that their economy is built on a house of cards.

Unlike the Chinese, I’ve made my wealth the hard way.

And not a day goes by that I don’t throw a few William McKinleys in the fire to remind myself just how lucky I am to be one of the power elite.

That is not to say I’ve always been so fortunate. Ringing in the New Year in Ibiza was nice, although it sickened me that the Hotel Los Molinos forced me to share the same floor with a group of University of Michigan students.

As you know, public education is the bane of our society and these students reflected that with their facial hair, jeans and flannel shirts.

So with my Spanish paramour, Isabella, we fled to Isla de sa Ferradura. Everything was stellar – rubbing shoulders, of course, with an old friend, actor Ted Danson, who is also one of the world’s best paragliders.

Though it was a splendid, I was distraught when the motor in the Wellington yacht failed, forcing me to spend an extra three weeks in Spain.

Sure, I was able to play Marco Polo with Javier Bardem and make love to beautiful European models, but I’m a man on a mission.

I don’t want to be part of the muddling middle-class. I’m here to make my mark on the world. I started at Oxford and have continued to the Cape where I’ve helped the Wellingtons leapfrog over yesterday’s news (The Kennedys).

Now I’m setting my sights on the entire world.  That’s why I’ve declared 2012 THE YEAR OF THE CHAZ.

*Buckford earned his stellar reputation for successfully arguing cases before the Supreme Court at the age of 16. We first met while sipping mint juleps at the Figawi charity ball six years ago. I was struck by his sense of décor – particularly his Breguet pocket watch hanging from the breast of his Stuart Hughes diamond-encrusted suit. Since then we have kept Buckford on retainer at a cool $39,000 per month (not including contingency and hourly fees). To the Wellingtons this paltry sum is a steal. Buckford has paid off in spades. Bravo, good sir!

Want more Chaz? Like him on Facebook where he’s more popular than igloos and Jeremy Irons.

 

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